Sad. Depressing. chaotic. I sit here and think what the hell am I doing. I look at my posts from 2010 2 years ago. I haven’t done anything I wanted to do. BY the end of this year I need to do something dramatic.

Theres a point where you just know. Honestly how you just know. It is at this point where everything seems to make perfect sense. The standards no longer apply and the limits that once where set in stone now become imaginary boundaries that are surpass without the slightly acknowledgment. A thought process where you’re not engaged in the whole universality of something but more with the creation and perfection of elegance than its beauty.

I am so Royally fucked… to put it light lightly

I’m always the one to hear
Never the one to speak
So night comes quick
weeping calls become clear
There is truth
Though it’s the kind that I do not wish to hear
More than words can express
Though everything happens for a reason
To remind us what awaits
To not waste this life
To always shed a tear

In my eyes
It’s always seemed
That others view responsibility as a burden
I’ve never looked at it that way
I just wish that I could sit down on a curb
And everything would just make fucking sense.

There’s a point where you just know. Honestly, you just know. It is at this point where everything seems to make perfect sense. The traditional standards and limits no longer apply, those that once seemed to be set in stone become imaginary boundaries, they are surpassed without the slightest acknowledgment to there once hegemonic presence. Your thought process is not longer engaged in the universalities of a subject, you now become a purveyor to its perfection and elegance and not its beauty. The prescribed curriculum is dead. And you are now free to ascribe to that which beyond beautiful. Essentially your ideas become outliers that are statistically perfect, beyond perfect. Though woefully they are not because nothing is ever perfect. Universialities is not a word.
At the end of class today the professor mentioned that attending labs would be greatly beneficial to us. The girl in the seat next to me commented “Yeah right. I have 5 kids…”. I thought to myself okay, so when your kids get older are they going to then use you as an excuse? I’m not trying to be an asshole but honestly when does the cycle end. If you’re not wholeheartedly striving to better your situation than why try at all? In Malcolm Gladwells book Outliers: the story of success he mentions that Asians have a saying “No one who can rise before dawn three hundred sixty days a year fails to make his family rich”. I’m not saying that it’s her fault entirely, some fault lies within the education system, though through conditioning she has come to the conclusion that the minimum requirements are all you need, one does not need to go above an beyond, to succeed.
In the movie Mona Lisa Smile where Julie Roberts plays the role of a first year feminist type professor at Wellesley, conservative all girls college, in 1953. On the first day of instruction she begins to lecture on famous art from centuries past. She then puts up a slide and asks if anyone knows the anything about the painting behind her, one student nonchalantly shouts out the name, date, origin and other facts. At this point she is taken back and then changes the slide and once again poses the same question without hesitance another student quickly gives more than just the skinny on the slide. Once again she changes out the slide and as before she is given an answer. It is at this time where she realizes that the students at Wellesley College are far more knowledgeable than her. Why hasn’t this culture of learning reached every part of the United States after more than 60 years?
In Letters to a Young Teacher by Jonathan Kozol, Kozol chronicles his early teacher career at one of the worst public schools in the United States. He mentions that one of his first classes had gone though at least ten teachers within the first half of the semester. Almost all the faculty told him to just “get them to obey” essentially making them future passive and obedient members of society a good example for the “Matthew Effect”. On his first day he walks into the class, sits down at his desk, and confides in his students mentioning that he doesn’t blame them for their disruptive tendencies. He blames the system that has failed them in every way. He blames the fact that those who were supposed to educate them are just pawns in the system that is against them. Slowly but surely most of his students come to accept his sincere gesture. He is then able to start teaching.

What would it be worth it
Sitting on a curb
Could you understand
Where would you go
The places it would lead you
Everything matters
To leave is everything and more
Holding ones hands up
lost in the sky
Hopefully one day
One day…

I just don’t get it. Honestly, I just don’t…

“I’ll Be”

About 40 miles into it became absolutely impossible for me to navigate out of the LA area. Not to add I was ridding in complete darkness with foxes running back and forth across the road… I think I was more scared of ridding for an extended period of time in the mountains in these conditions. Eeeek! Will probably try again though in the winter.

Sleep. Then leaving tonight. One great big amazing adventure awaits!